Depression

Famous Hamish

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Hamish Macbeth
Photo P.C. Knapp

This is my dog, the world famous Hamish Macbeth.

If he could collect people, he would be in a hoarding situation and the city would probably have to step in and ‘help him’ care for his beloved pets.

I’m not kidding and I’m not exaggerating.

Hamish is really into humans. He thinks we are so cool and cute and lovable and when you look into his eyes you will see they are oozing with love for you.

He likes cats too. I mean REALLY likes them. My neighbor’s cat Lucy is his girlfriend and when they get together they groom each other- well, kiss and when he’s with Lucy I think he forgets the world around him. It’s really sweet to see.

He brings her toys too. But he takes them back. He loves her but I guess even the World Famous Hamish Macbeth has his limits.

Hamish and friend
by
A.M. Moscoso

This is me ( well, 2022 me ).

Me by Me
2022

I am not a people person. I’m not even that comfortable around people but I am courteous and I’m not mean spirited. To be honest sometimes after I am some social situations I feel like I’ve run a marathon and all I want to do is que up some Mozart or ELO and air out my brain.

Hamish Macbeth
Photo A.M. Moscoso

Now,because of Hamish Macbeth, I  now stop and talk to people on our walks and trips to the dog park.  I even have dinner parties and holiday parties because he enjoys them so much.

I have to be social and smile and mean it, because he will KNOW if I’m not into it and he will stare into my face and wag his tail until I lighten up and engage.

But when I think about it, it gives me joy to see my dog  so in love with people.

I guess at some level I’m glad that even though I may be a dark little cloud floating around a sunny blue sky my dog- The World Famous Hamish Macbeth is outgoing and engaging and loves people and life and the energy they give off.

My Counselor said that because I am the one constant presence in Hamish’s life and I do think he’s the best dog in the world and have loved him and shown him patience and kindness since he came home with me at 11 weeks of age, he’s grown up thinking people are pretty damn grand. So why wouldn’t Hamish now  think ALL people are great.

I pointed out that because Hamish is the constant in my life and he has shown me nothing but kindness and love and understanding his entire life and he thinks people are pretty damn grand and special, in all probability

I think I’m starting to think that too.

amm

Word of the Day Challenge:  Compersion

The Human Remains

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RDP WEDNESDAY: RESIDUE

Photo A.M. Moscoso

There was a run of suicides on the tracks  my train uses last month- there was at least one a week.

Some people suggested that the inconsiderate jerks who threw themselves under the train should have stayed home and ‘eaten a bullet’.

My question is- which child in the video was the person on the tracks and which was the unfeeling ‘ let then eat a bullet ” child?

At what point did those people become so emotionally detached from their own sense of humanity that they allowed themselves to be torn apart by  a speeding train or would open their mouth and say without a care in the world for how it would say to a train car full of people that ‘ that  SOB should have stayed home and eaten a bullet, sorry your life sucks but I have things to do- I have a life. “

I know the person who ended their life has my sympathy- should the people who suggested that the deceased should have ‘eaten a bullet’ for the sake of the convenience of those around them have it too?

And if if I deny either of them my sympathy and caring what does that say about me? If I don’t care about myself or other people and I keep feeling that way,  do parts of my soul just die off until nothing is left except a brief residue of the better person that I could have been?

amm

As a side note in this video:  “Anorexic” is a medical term for a symptom, the loss of appetite and interest in food. It is not the same as “anorexia nervosa” which is a psychiatric disorder. In popular/lay use, people often say anorexia when what they are actually referring to is anorexia nervosa, which is where the apparent confusion comes from.

 

 

Thursday Made Me Think Of This

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RDP Sunday: FUTILE

John Everett Millais – The Sleepwalker

Writing about my bouts of depression  is hard.

Not because I have a hard time admitting that I was on medication, that I had to see counselors and psychiatrists that I was totally broken but it’s hard to capture those moments and express them in writing.

When I think about those times, the first feeling to bubble up is anger- maybe even rage and that feeling really doesn’t capture how I  remember my state of being at the time so that in itself is interesting.

Anyway, that feeling is so out of synch with how I remember myself, that’s why I have a hard time writing about those experiences.

Or maybe that anger is what got me out of that dark place where I lived for almost 20 years.

So here is a moment from that time that sort of captures where I was.

 

I was at a session with my Psychiatrist ( who helped me to find my way out of that dark room I had been living in ) and he asked me, ” Do you know your right eye is closed? ”

I put my finger up to my eye and I touched my lid. ” I suppose it is.”

” Can you open it?”

I shrugged and I made the decision to open my eye.

” Did you know your eye was closed?”

I told him I did and when he asked me if I left it closed often I said I did and then he asked if I knew why I did that.

” I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s opened or not. ”

And when I said those words out loud I realized I was walking around a lot of the time with one eye shut  and that it would be easy to shut the other one too. In fact I was getting myself ready for it.

When it dawned on me what I was walking towards I got scared.

I had never been so scared in my life.

It might sound like a small thing, but a month later I got my dog and when I would do the eye thing he would get upset and I would open my eye.

I don’t do things like that anymore, but sometimes when I’m having a bad I put my finger up to my eye to make sure it’s open.

Just in case.

ps In case you are wondering about the title, over the last three Thursdays someone has been hit by the trains on the line I ride and I can’t help but to feel that at one point in my life could have been one of those Thursday People too.

The Hallow Heart

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PROMPTUARIUM Prompt: She Was Sad

Stitched together

glued together

fastened together with  pins and ribbon and tape

I am a gift, a treat, I will make you feel

loved, wanted, cherished.

I am here to make your house a home

and love you

I will love you, I promise, I swear

A soulmate with no soul.

That is me.

The nightmare of your dreams.