Tired of Singing The Blues

Ragtag Daily Prompt Thursday: The Blues

Photo by Ann H on Pexels.com

My son Nico gave me an Gift Card for Mother’s Day and normally I use those to add to my Gargoyle collection. I do have a neat collection thanks to Nico.

But this year I decided to change it up a bit.

I decided to start working out at home – because unlike some states our Governor isn’t insane and he didn’t open up gyms. Not that I’d go to one, but my point is I know I have to do something because I feel like I am in a rut.

A big, giant rut.

And then it came to me.

In the past I used to work out to Richard Simmons Sweatin’  collection and yes they did work and I did get fit and  yes I did have fun. I still have my DVD collection, but Richard has done a lot more since the Sweatin’ Days so I used my Gift Card to buy some of the more recent work out dvd’s and I only had to buy one accessory  and all of it will be here in June.

YAY.

I am hoping that some exercise helps my wonky knee and I’m hoping it helps my attitude because both are in need of some work. Besides, it would be nice to have some fun while I’m getting fit as opposed to getting fit before I show up in a Yoga Class or whatever it is the all of the kids are doing nowadays.

The long and short of it is, the Coronavirus is here to stay and I need a boost so that I don’t feel so worn down by it all and that when I’m feeling the Blues music is involved

I think that this might be a step in the right direction.

Richard Simmons Youtube Channel HERE

 

Better Than Me

 

Writer’s Write January Prompt

#2 Rouge

Rouge your cheeks

curl your hair, wear something like all of the other women wear

so much better than you.

 

Ask them where they found that dress, got their nails done

and learned to be so much more than you.

 

How can they be so much more attractive

 than you

put together so much more stylishly than you

even on their worst day?

He asked me, begged me, wheedled at me about it

All.

Of.

The.

Time.

 

So I tried and tried to be something better than me

sexier then me

so much more than me.

Until it came to me, in a flash-

what suit I would  bury him in.

 

I

think

I

made

the

right choice

at last.

I wonder if he will agree.

Probably not.

But I won’t care.

Because nobody can dress a corpse

better than me, more stylishly  than me

even on

my

worst

day.

67.110.45 0002

The Tree

It doesn’t matter now who said it or why, but back when it mattered I was told that I bought stupid, meaningless Christmas presents and that the trees I picked out were wrong too.

Oh- and my decorations were ugly.

So every year I bought gift cards- to play it safe and  I put up a tree and decorated it and in then I  grit my teeth and ignored it until the 26th.

On that day I pull the thing down an toss the ornaments into a bucket -they’re the unbreakable plastic ones and I pull the tree apart ( its fake and come away in three  parts) and I sort of spin the segments and unwind the lights into little ready to unwind balls of lights and toss the entire kit and kaboodle into the storage closet.

The feeling I have is split between elation and relief- neither one seems appropriate.

So for my own reasons I’m trying to improve my attitude about the Christmas season because I really did come to absolutely hate it.

I’ve taken to doing things like reading ghost stories and looking for Krampus decorations. I listen to hours of  Christmas music because nobody has managed to ruin that for me. I even send out real Christmas cards.

Now when I put up my tree I sort of do it in stages- first night I put the lights on and on the second I decorate it.

I wanted to make it fun again  and splitting the task keeps it from feeling like a task and I don’t get overwhelmed by those nasty shadows from Christmas past.

Sometimes I put a movie on while I work- this year I pulled Dexter up and binged watched my favorite season ( last year it was Lucifer ) and then I take pictures of the tree with my dog.

When I think about my trees now, I remember what shows I was watching- and they are good ones- and I have pictures of Hamish Macbeth and my ugly, badly decorated tree that I actually had fun working on.

I’m hoping that I”ll have a  year when I will realize that it’s ‘that time of the year’ and be excited about it. Being that Christmas is a pretty great thing to take part in, I’m willing to work on that.

It is worth it.

Photo A.M. Moscoso

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Photo A.M. Moscoso

Photo A.M. Moscoso

The Blank Tombstone

 

Vilhelm Hammershøi,

What do you do

when all you know

when all you’ve been told

in every word, every touch, every look

you have gotten

is how good for nothing you are?

 

Fight? Scream? Prove the world wrong?

I am struggling with that

in my head.

 

I never look up anymore.

 

I think that when I die

my tombstone

will be

blank.

All Who Enter Here

 

Photo A.M. Moscoso

When I was in my late 20’s I began to have crippling, brain scrambling Panic Attacks.

I’m not sure what kicked them off into high gear but they always followed the same pattern: I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to die and then after that thought took root I couldn’t breathe.

They were horrible. Even if I could get through the attack I was to scared to fall asleep. So on top of the attacks I began to suffer from the affects of lack of sleep- the worst one by far was depression.

So what did I do?

I read every book I could find about death.

I read books about forensics, I read about the process the body goes through after it dies and I also read medical articles about the process of death itself.

I even schooled myself on the customs and folklore concerning Death in cultures around the world.

This went on for a couple of years.

I understand now that this was a risky path- I could have easily taken what I was learning and topped myself off or it could help me overcome my fear of waking up in the middle of the night thinking I was going to die.

What I was doing was learning about the thing I perceived as my enemy so that I would know it for what it was if it did try to get me.

So did it work?

With what I learned I became a Mortician’s Apprentice, I write about death and ghosts with my own special twist. In fact, I think going down that path made me a better writer.

I also know it gave me a warped sense of humor and a lot of patience for the people in my life.

I also learned that Death wasn’t really my enemy.

It was the face I gave my fears and terrors- now I don’t jump from every shadow that falls my way. Now I can see them for what they are and deal with them.

So I can safely now say I learned  a lot from The Grim Reaper and that  he was one of the  teachers in my life that I can look back on and say, ” Wow, did I learn a lot from that one! ”

The specifics  beyond what I mentioned here are between me and my friend in Black. But. I’ll let you in on a secret- the other parts of those specifics are in what I write and in every single laugh  and giggle and  dream  I have.

Daily Addiction Prompt: Cope

Because

It didn’t happen

because

I didn’t want to be the reason

that the person who found me

 had nightmares for the rest of their life.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

The Day I Drowned

Remember when you were a kid and you were into things like dinosaurs or cartoons or all things cats or unicorns or sports?

It was your life. One you got to create for the first time- on your own!

You became part of a tribe outside of the one you were born into. You became a celebrated explorer in your new community. It was your first taste of independence. You were learning a new language, secret codes, and in some cases clothing and new toys were involved.

With me it was astronomy.

I made it my mission to learn all about planets and and gravity, how stars were formed and the spectacular way they died. I hadn’t told anyone yet but I had made up my mind to be an astronaut.

I was about 10 years old.

At that time my Dad’s family were seeing a lot of each other and we were having dinner at our house.

I was carrying around my beat up copy of my favorite book about the constellations and my Dad called me over and said something like, ” ask her anything  about astronomy”

So people did.

I answered a few questions and someone said. ” You have an answer for everything, don’t you?”

I felt very, very ashamed of myself. Which I’m sure was the idea.

” You know Anita, ” my Dad said ” you should learn to keep your mouth shut even if you know what the answer is.”

I remember going into my room.

I remember gathering up all of my books about astronomy

I don’t remember how I felt when I threw them out that night.

Relieved probably.

There were a couple if unfortunate results of what my Dad did that day.

The worst was that I would spend most of my life treating my intellect like the bastard child who shows up at the family reunion which is being held over the Christmas Holidays.

I played dumb, I wouldn’t participate in class or group discussions. If I had an opinion I might express it but I made sure I did it in such a way you’d never ask me for one again.

The second was, I let my drive to learn and write and my passion for reading be marginalized by what everyone else in my life was doing. I mean, why not. What was I doing that was so important?

Having a bad day?

Let me put this amazing book down to help you out of it.

Need someone to talk to?

Let me shut off this great piece of music so I can listen to you bitch about the jerks you live with and the fool who screwed your perfect day up at the grocery store.

Oh. You want me to stop writing so I can go shopping with you at the mall? Why the heck not?

Just like the way the tides are affected by the sun and the moon I let everyone else affect my writing or the time I set aside to catch up on my “science time”

The people in my life don’t know this is happening- just like the Moon or the Sun have no idea that they have an affect on the Earth’s oceans and bays. But I’m aware of it and it was up to me in the end to do something about it.

A few years ago I had to make some changes in the way I looked at my life because my depression had impacted and damaged it to the point that there was very little of “me” left.

I started to make it a point to care about how I spent my time and who I spent it with. I started to read and study again- and with that my writing developed in leaps and bounds. I even began to write Poetry- which to be honest is something I thought I would never do.

Now when I participate in conversations and relationships I really want to be there- as opposed to feeling like I washed up on someone’s curb after a hard rain.

None of that happened over night.

But it’s a start and I’m still hard at it.

And I’m making progress.

So.

Yay me.

Daily Prompt: Tide