I Walked There

Fourth Wall

You get to spend a day inside your favorite movie. Tell us which one it is — and what happens to you while you’re there.

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As promised, the house’s wall were upright, bricks met neatly the floors were firm and it was quiet in Hill house- quite and filled with shadows.

They were stealthy those shadows, they followed me from room to room like a loyal dog trailing at it’s master’s heel.

I opened doors and walked into and out of rooms crammed with porcelain figurines twisted and painted to resemble flowers and animals, There were books on every table surface and portraits in heavy gold frames hung from the walls.

The chairs and couches and were ornate and solid and did not invite you to rest or sit.

They were as solid and uninviting as the house they were kept in.

I ran my hand along plastered walls as I wandered aimlessly through corridors- they were endless in this house and when I came to closed doors I would open them and watch them swing shut.

I left the doors alone and I began to walk hard from heel to toe and with each thump my smile became a grimace, my eyes narrowed just a bit and I dropped my chin so slightly towards my chest.

I came across her outside of one of those doors that led into one of those rooms stuffed with dark furniture and dark paintings.

She wanted to stay here she cried into the door with her back towards me, she slammed her hands against the door and pleaded to stay.

I came up behind her, the shadows fled from me, and I took her by the hair on the back of her head and rammed her face over and over again into the door.

When I was done the door swung open and I let her fall into the room.

I pushed her legs with my foot over the threshold and the door swung shut and the  tumblers in the lock clicked obediently into place.

” I walk here and I walk alone ” I said from the bottom of my dark soul to the shadows as they slithered down from the ceiling where: walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; (and)silence lay (once again) steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House.

Shirley Jackson, The Haunting of Hill House

Scream A Little Scream

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)
What is the best dream you’ve ever had? Recount it for us in all its ethereal glory. If no dream stands out in your memory, recount your worst nightmare. Leave no frightening detail out.

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Asking me to pick a favorite nightmare is like asking a parent to ‘fess up and admit who their hands down favorite child is.

I love all my little nightmares equally- but here are a few that I do love more then the rest:

I had this nightmare back when I was about 12.

The Soldiers With Silver Eyes

I was walking to school and it was dark outside.

I saw the sun shining in the sky but the sky was jet black and I knew it was morning because the stars weren’t shining.

This was morning.

There were only a few people on the street- a couple of kids walking to school and a  people sleeping on the sidewalk- and even though I knew I shouldn’t I stopped to look at one of the sleeping people.

The lady was on her side and I leaned down and pulled her shoulder towards me and when she rolled over I saw her face was gone.

I tried to push her back on her side and no matter how hard tried she kept rolling on her back and that’s when I heard someone say, ” they took my face, they took my face.”

I looked up, I didn’t want anyone to see me with the dead woman with no face.

That’s when the Jeep with the soldiers pulled up to the curb.

” Get away from that.” One of them said.

I looked up and saw the Soldiers had silver eyes, and when I looked into those eyes it was like looking into pools of liquid.

” She said someone took her face.”

” Nobody took her face. “

I looked down.

” She has no face.  “

” Stay out of the open.”

” But she wants a face.”

” Stay out of the open. I kneeled  down and reached for the place where the woman’s face had been.

” Stay away from the open. Stay out of the open.”

Someone grabbed my hand, pulled me away and I thought my face was about to be ripped out. Instead someone pushed me down the sidewalk towards my school.

” None of them have faces anymore. They needed air, we don’t. Now go to school. I saw my reflection in the Soldier’s liquid silver eyes and in them I saw my own face exactly where it should be and my silver eyes…

and I went to school.

The High Ceiling

(One of those repeat dreams)

I was standing in the center of a beautiful room.

The wood floor dark brown and the walls were decorated with tapestries- they were gold and red.

There wasn’t a door, but that didn’t matter because I thought for sure there was a key and if I found the key I could leave but why would I want to?

It was such a pretty room with a long table and a highback chair for me to sit in.

I sat down and I loved that room.

I looked up and the ceiling was high and curved and painted on the ceiling was a picture of a summer sky.

It was a beautiful bright blue summer sky.

I looked up and thought I could feel the sun on my face.

And then the sky went dark and the room went dark and I heard a click and I felt the room dropping down and down and down and when it hit the bottom I looked up and wondered if I would eventually sleep in my grave or would I be here awake in the dark forever.

Emergency Landings

Cut Off

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

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Does anyone really want to talk about being lonely?

So lonely your bones hurt, your eyes sort of wander around in their sockets and it hurts when you take a breath because what’s the point so you sort of slouch and when you take that breath and realize you’re alive and your only thought is:

” well that sucks “.

People do want to talk about it, the problem is who wants to hear about it?

People will gorge themselves to the point of puking up their internal organs on poems, songs, books and movies about loneliness and depression,

They will hang paintings, admire sculptures and read books and attended classes to go over the lives and deaths of people who have committed suicide, died in mental hospitals.

But if that same writer or artist or musician had sat down next to them at work, or a family gathering and said, ” You know I’m having a really bad day.” Would they want that in their heads, want to see through their eyes the same way?

Probably not.

I’ve been told, over the years that we need to think about ourselves first, one can’t be strong for others unless they are strong in themselves- because you know- you first.

So don’t let people drag you down.

I call bullshit on that.

You know how when you are on a plane and they give you the speech about what do in case of an emergency landing ( I like the way they don’t use the word CRASH ).

First they tell you what to do in a water landing ( considering the most airtime I’ve spent in the recent past has been from Washington state to Nevada I sort of tune that out )

And then they explain that when the oxygen masks  drop you should put your mask on first and then if the person next to you needs help, you put their mask on.

On one trip I asked my sister, ” Could you do that? Put your mask on if you saw Mom or your daughters struggling for air? Make them wait? “

My sister says to me, ” Could you?”

” No fucking way.”

So this brings me back to the question, when someone is cut off and they are in an emotional Hell and I can see it do I walk away? Put my mask on first? Take care of me?

I’ve done it twice in my life.

I have no intention of going for three.

Behold, The Eye

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Over the  last couple of years I finally got around to visiting art galleries and museums.

In my heart of hearts I always wanted to be Indiana Jones before Indiana Jones ever existed.

Museums  were always places I loved but didn’t learn to appreciate until I actually had the time to wander through them as opposed to just walking through them.

Photo: A.M Moscoso

Photo: A.M Moscoso

Art was another kettle of fish.

I just didn’t get it.

On one trip I learned how to stand in different places in front of a painting and at different spots on the floor and then to look at the painting and surprise!

I got it.

I learned to see a painting and then I finally saw them.

It was like when I put on my eye glasses for the first time and was I stunned! I had no idea before then that the world wasn’t this colorful mess.

It had definition and depth.

Who knew?

So after a few trips my favorite artist became Franz Von Stuck:

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In my mind Franz was to painting like M.R James was to writing- they seemed to capture nightmares in pitch perfect harmony.

They weren’t afraid to look into the darkness and be there without a flashlight to guide them.

After all, life is like that.

Sometimes you have to step into that darkness, go down into the basement, climb into the attic to find what’s there, to see what is there and to know it.

I’ll have to admit it’s not easy, but it’s SO worth the trip because I have learned it is too sweet to be able to say

“Veni, vidi, vici! ”

Behold, the eye- what an amazing thing it is.