She’s Joking, Right?

:::Holidailies Prompt:::

If you could be a gift for anyone, what would you be, and who would you be given to?

I believe that when the year ends- and yes it IS just a date on the calendar we can use that date to draw a line in the sand.

Today is a new day and we can start the New Year a fresh while saying goodbye to the old year.

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In celebrating that, I would like to be the following gift and I would like to give myself to every son of a bitch who brought a second of pain or despair to my life over 2015.

I  truly want to gift anyone whom I had to shut up for when they spewed a bunch of babble I don’t agree with because I’m polite and don’t see any reason to challenge your belief system.

I want to give something special to my acquaintances who buried me in lame psycho babble and one-sided conversations where I couldn’t get a word in edgewise because what was being said AT me was far more profound than anything I could ever come up with in my own head.

I know. Strange right? To give a gift to people like that?

Hey  God does it all the time.

It’s called a smite…or is it smote.

Anyway, I got the idea from him.

So here it is:

I would like to be a hideous black eye.

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 I would like to show up on some faces on Christmas Eve and sit there festering away until New Year’s Day.

That way we could spend some quality time discussing how we can both be better people and become a credit to the human race.

Ha.

I’m just kidding about that part.

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No, I just want to sit on someone’s eye and look awful and make people stare and wonder what the Hell is wrong with you- which is something I should have said a few times but didn’t.

Being a vicious black eye is my way of making up for that.

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I know, this is a heck of a thing to say on Christmas Eve.

But it IS Christmas Eve.

I want to give something heartfelt and this is it.

A black eye.

A scary black eye that talks to you and burrows its way into your brain and talks and talks and talks and never shuts the heck up.

Trust me. You’ll live through it.

I have.

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The rest of you get gift cards, candy and hugs.

Merry Christmas.

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Crunchy Snow and Comic Books

:::Holidailies Prompt:::

Tell Us About Snow

xmas snow

When I was growing up my Dad and his sister, my Aunt and my Grandparents had a very cool tradition.

No matter the time of day, if we were home and it snowed we would put on the Christmas tunes as we bundled and then we would head out for a walk in the snow.

We’d head to a store and buy treats- like coco mix and comic books ( my Aunt loved comic books so we’d stock up on the Archies ( or any of  Christmas themed ones ).

archies

And for good measure I’d ask for those weird magazines about UFOs the other one I loved was called Fate

Fate is a magazine about paranormal phenomena.

I’d  stock up on Fate during the year (  my Grandma Ginger had a subscription ) so I’d snag her copies and read them during the winter- don’t ask me why it made sense when I was nine.

fate

Back to the snow- If we were lucky it was dark and the snow was crunchy- I loved the crunchy sound of snow. I would break my own little path just so I could hear the snow crunch or squeak ( if it was powdery snow).

It was an adventure, and all along the way we’d tell stories to each other.

The weirder, the spookier- THE BETTER.

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There is only one thing that could top those memories- and the snow walks I’ve taken since.

That would be the chance to walk in snow on…snow on pluto

Pluto.

Tell me that wouldn’t be the bees knees.

I’d sign up for that trip in a heartbeat.

Or I’d love to take a snow walk on extreme weather mars poles

Mars.

Oh yes indeed.

Martian Snow.

Let that roll around your head for a minute.

Grand thought isn’t it?

And I know it’s methane snow- but snow is snow and that’s the stuff you’d find on the moon, Titan

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 I’d go to those planets- risk my life, give up years on Earth just to checkout the snow.

My family would be disappointed if there was ever a chance to do that and any of us passed it up.

We’d take comic books, magazines about ghosts and hot chocolate.

Want to tag along?

Of course you do.

The Mystery Of My Favorite Christmas Song

Holidailies 2015

The Mystery Of

My Favorite Christmas Song

I love Christmas songs- I pull out the music on Thanksgiving and I’ve got it going on until Christmas Night

Christmas movies are great, but the music?

That’s the most important part of the festivities- I can do without the the tree, but I must have the tunes.

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When I was a child I only learned part of a song that I say on every single holiday that came up, though I rattled it off more during Christmas.

Nobody in my family knew where I learned it and why I thought it was a holiday song- so it was an earworm.

Worse yet, I only knew one line and I would sing that one line over and over and the words weren’t even in English.

I’d get grilled about where I heard it, I guess the reasoning was if they knew the song title and the rest of the lyrics the mystery would be solved and it wouldn’t make everyone crazy when I sang :

Caput apri defero
Reddens laudes Domino

So it was years and years later when I was at a friend’s house and up comes THE SONG on their CD player that I tortured everyone with at Christmas, Birthdays, Funerals and Dinner parties.

It was a real song.

The mystery remains though, where I heard it.

It’s a nice mystery, a Christmas mystery and those kinds of mysteries are fun when you just let them be.

So I don’t put too much thought into solving the question.

Now that I know the entire song I like to sing it with as much joy and gusto as I can. If I’m not feeling it when I start, I always end up getting caught in the moment and I feel it  to my bones once I get going…

And here it is:

Boar’s Head ( Lyrics )

The boar’s head in hand bring I, (Or: The boar’s head in hand bear I,)
Bedeck’d with bays and rosemary.
And I pray you, my masters, be merry (Or: And I pray you, my masters, merry be)
Quod estes in convivio (Translation: As many as are in the feast)

CHORUS
Caput apri defero (Translation: The boar’s head I offer)
Reddens laudes Domino (Translation: Giving praises to the Lord)

The boar’s head, as I understand,
Is the rarest dish in all this land,
Which thus bedeck’d with a gay garland
Let us servire cantico. (Translation: Let us serve with a song)

CHORUS

Our steward hath provided this
In honour of the King of Bliss;
Which on this day to be served is
In Reginensi atrio. (Translation: In the hall of Queen’s [College, Oxford])

The Boar’s Head Carol is a macaronic 15th century English Christmas carol that describes the ancient tradition of sacrificing a boar and presenting its head at a Yuletide feast. Of the several extant versions of the carol, the one most usually performed today is based on a version published in 1521 in Wynkyn de Worde’s Christmasse Carolles.

( Wikipedia)

There’s A Monster Under My Bed…YAY!

:::Holidailies Prompt:::

Not a creature was stirring …

wolfman

When I was little I used to feel sorry for the monsters in horror  movies.

If people weren’t trying to shoot them, they were burning them or pushing them off of cliffs.

So every Christmas Eve I would sneak treats and food into my room, put them on a plate and shove it under my bed because duh, that’s where monsters hide.

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We used to have this little dog Blackie and one Christmas my Mom found him in my room halfway under the bed and from the sounds of it he was busy chewing on something.

She pulled him out and his face was smeared with gravy and frosting. He was chewing on a roll of Lifesavers candies from my Lifesavers Christmas Storybook.

He got loose and dove back under the bed.

She pulled him out again and this time he was dragging the plate with him.

I think most of the turkey was gone, but there was still a lot of goodies on the goodie plate.

Too bad Mom took it, there was still enough on that plate for a couple of monsters and a dog.

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My Dad saw my Mom carrying the goodie plate to the garbage bin under the sink and he asked, ” What the hell was that mess.”

My Mom told him where she found it.

I was right behind her giving her the evil eye the entire time.

” Are you crazy?” He asked my six year old self ” what did you do that for?”

I glared at him too and stomped off.

They wouldn’t understand I thought. But had I told them I was leaving food for the Wolfman and the Mummy they probably would have understood.

This is why:

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One Christmas I saw my Mom in the kitchen cutting up Turkey and Ham that she had just taken off of the serving platter. She cut it up and mixed in with our dog’s regular dried food.

When I saw her doing that I was surprised.

She wasn’t a pet person for the most part.

I asked her outright why was she giving the dog so much turkey and ham and she said, ” Because it’s their Christmas too.”

We’ve had several dogs over the years and she still does that.

Now days I’m willing to I will bet  the Wolfman would have benefitted from her generosity too.

Apparently this dog named Moose, who played the wolf that bites Lawrence Talbot, totally became buddies with Lon Chaney Jr. on the set of The Wolf Man and followed him around wherever he went.

Apparently this dog named Moose, who played the wolf that bites Lawrence Talbot, totally became buddies with Lon Chaney Jr. on the set of The Wolf Man and followed him around wherever he went.

So now I’m 51, I still love my Monsters and at Christmas I have this little plate of treats that I will set up on a high shelf where the dog can’t get it.

I’m a little disappointed when the treats are there the next day, because I was sure, I was positive that the creatures were stirring in my house.

Maybe next Christmas I think as I take the treats down from the shelf.

And then I say what I’ve been saying since I was five years old:

Maybe next year.

universal-monsters

The Turkey Incident

:::HOLIDAILIES PROMPT:::

Do you have a hilarious holiday story? If not, make one up.

Our Dad had been a Chef and it was his job to roast the Christmas Turkey.

His Turkeys were great, they were perfect and he took great pride in his work.

The turkey  skin was golden, the bird was always seasoned and stuffed to perfection. I swear to God when he pulled it out of the oven it looked like something you’d see on a magazine cover or cookbook.

TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS FOOD

When I was 12 I had saved up my money and bought the most adorable little Alaskan Malamute puppy I named Sham.

I should have named him Godzilla because Sham grew up to be the size of a horse.

Not some regular horse.

Oh no.

He was Clydesdale sized.


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Sham never liked being in the house when we were cooking because I think it was too warm for him.

But one Christmas  me and my brother and sister wouldn’t let him out when he asked because we were having fun with him.

Sham was a gentle giant and we had spent the afternoon trying to dress him up like an elf.

You know kids- our parents went to wrap some gifts for our family members that were going to be coming for Christmas dinner and we decided to power our way through the candy in our Christmas stockings and we forgot Sham was in the house.

My brother went to the kitchen to get some cookies and he came running back into my bedroom.

His face was white and I thought he was going to faint.

He couldn’t speak, he just grabbed me by my hair and pulled me down the hall to the kitchen.

All my brother could do was point

Sham was standing at the counter and he had this huge turkey in his jaws.

I slapped my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming.

My sister was right behind us and we piled on Sham and held him still while I pried his jaws open.

He dropped the turkey on the floor, I grabbed the cooling platter from the counter and dropped the turkey on it.

The  platter was made of wood had little spikes on it to hold the turkey in place. I pushed the turkey back on the spikes and burned my hand shoving the stuffing back in because some of it had popped out and oozed on the counter.

Me and my brother lifted the platter and put it back up on the counter.

” What are you kids doing?” my Mom called ” You’re to quiet!”

” We’re playing with Sham.” my sister answered.

I looked down at her in horror. ” Shut up!” I hissed.

I stuffed turkey bits in the little holes from Sham’s fangs and we ran back down the hall and into my bedroom.

” Hide him!” my brother said.

I threw a blanket over Sham and he layed down and we could hear him licking his chops under the blanket.

He fell asleep and the three of us sat there on my bed waiting to die.

The doorbell rang and the rest of our family started to show up for Christmas Dinner.

Then my Dad went into the kitchen to carve the turkey.

sled

Dinner went off without a hitch.

Dad carved the turkey, there were a million side dishes and everyone said it tasted great as usual.

I wouldn’t know- me and my siblings didn’t eat turkey that Christmas.

Come on. It was in our dog’s mouth. It was on the kitchen floor at one point. We wouldn’t have eaten it for more Christmas presents or money.

Besides, every time we lifted a slice to our lips the other one would bark or pant and we’d start laughing so hard we’d start choking.

I don’t know if this was the funniest Christmas memory I have- but it is one of the best.

Now it’s tradition:

I give my dogs their own slices of turkey freshly carved and still a little warm

And I tell them it’s from Sham

amm

 

Sham during the Year of The Turkey Incident
Sham during the Year of The Turkey Incident

Once Upon A Time…

santa2

Did I believe in Santa as a kid?

Nope.

My family wasn’t big on Santa- and it might not be for the reasons you think.

santa3

My Dad’s family and my Mom’s family had one thing in common- they were great storytellers. They’d tell stories about ghosts and people being buried alive at Baby Showers, Birthdays and Thanksgiving.

Christmas and New Years? Even better- there were stories galore about devils, demons and weird things that they found in attics, graveyards and basements.

When it came to Santa they drew a big fat goose egg.

I never heard stories about Santa and the North Pole. As far as I knew he was someone you took your picture with at Christmas ,you could tell him what you wanted for Christmas and then  he gave you a candy cane.

I had heard if you were extra good, he’d bring you the present you asked for.

I asked for a dog.

A real dog- with wings.

I was just testing.

I figure if I got the dog with wings Santa was real.

If not, the entire thing was baloney.

Turned out to be baloney.

santa4

Personally I think Santa wasn’t the most interesting story to tell- so my family really didn’t go into that part of the Christmas experience.

On the other hand, none of us went out of our way to wreck anyone else’s Christmas fun. Like I said they loved to tell stories and if the story you loved was one about Santa, that was ok. We could go along with that. Christmas fun is Christmas fun.

My Christmas fun involved a story Ghost Train that went up and down the streets on Christmas Eve- the Ghost Train and The Ghost People on board would take you away if they caught you outside alone.

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So it was best to stay inside with your family on Christmas Eve.

The terrible part was year after year  your family would leave a stocking for you by the fireplace and some presents- all of which would be gone on Christmas morning.

In its place?

A single bone.

Eventually they’d have enough bones to put together a skeleton and one day you’d get a grave.

But at least your bones would be on that Ghost Train anymore.

Yeah.

That’s the kind of Christmas story I heard.

Poor old Santa.

He was a good story, but had he been riding on a ghost train full of human bones in search of a grave?

He would have been a great story,

santa5

amm

There Can Be Only Three!

Press It

Give some love to three blog posts you’ve read and loved in the past week, and tell us why they’re worth reading.

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Maybe I’ve read six posts that I really loved and want to share.

Maybe there was only one.

And maybe, just maybe there were nine.

Do you know how I found them?

I read a lot.

oh

I think it’s a curse on us all- nobody wants to read anymore- they want to point and click and move on.

I could give up the links, or you could decide today that instead of reading what I tell you to read,  you could decide to read about… hmmm….

Arsenic-Label

Sure why not. You want to read about Arsenic.

Do you know what could happen if you read and did a lot of research on arsenic?

No. NOT that.

You might  just happen to run across a post about Christmas Trees that look like Daleks.

dalektree-1260475161

Before you know it,

the tree you and your family put up could be out on the curb and you could have a Dalek Tree in its place.

When your family see’s what you’ve done they could all go a little mad

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and you could have them all locked up and keep their presents and treats for yourself!

buddy

See!

I’ve just done you a ginormous favor.

You’re welcome.

amm