Month: September 2015

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

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DAILY PROMPT

Daily Ritual

Think about your day. Select one of your daily rituals and explain it to us: why do you do what you do? How did you come to adopt this ritual? What happens on days when you can’t perform it?

ritual

When I was little I firmly believed that witches  made themselves cat sized and hid under my bed just before the sun came up.

I would lay there and try to guess how many of them where under there. How many babies they ate, how many curses they cast, how many trees they killed when they sat on the branches and waited to drop on people who were dumb enough to be strolling around during the Witching Hour.

To me if you ran into a witch you were going to end up in a cooking pot, a cat collector ( they ate them too because Cats could see evil so of course NO self respecting witch would want them around) and by the way the Witch took the Cat Collectors Tongues and sewed their eyes shut with their own hair.

Because I was the type of kid who got super angry when she was super scared I took it upon myself to find a way to get those little Witches if they tried to grab me when  I got out of bed in the morning.

I made a little doll that sort of looked like a witch.

I say sort of because it had no head.

And then I put it under my bed.

Now I am grown and I know better.

Really I do.

But under my bed in a shoebox with the lid off I have a little doll with no head and every morning when I reach for my  slippers my fingers brush against that box.

And I smile.

bedroom

Yours Sincerely

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Handwritten

When was the last time you wrote something by hand? What was it?

wpid-bccd8f192533c894f381ecfc43ed4505.jpg

I blame it on texting and emails.

Nobody hand writes anything anymore.

They don’t hand write letters or notes. They don’t even jot little reminders on their hands.

I’ve even heard kids don’t learn handwriting anymore. I’m not sure if that’s true or not, but I know most kids can’t tell time on old school clocks so it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that’s true.

I was at a club over the summer- they play rock and roll there.

I went into the restroom to powder my nose and what I noticed was how clean the bathroom was . There was even a little basket with lotions on the counter and the entire room was  painted a light yellow.

There was even a little table with flowers on it and over that was a picture of a woman walking through a  field of sunflowers.

She was dragging a scarf behind her.

I went into one of the stalls and the walls in there were pristine except for flyer with the names and dates of upcoming acts. The flyer  was not taped to the door, but held in a small acrylic frame with the club’s name along the top

I was in awe.

I was also freaked out.

I mean, this was a bathroom in a club that featured rock bands.

So I reached into my purse and found a pen (Yes, I actually carry one. It’s full of ink)slid the flyer out of the frame and I drew little devil horns and mustaches on the faces.

” Nothing personal guys.” I said to the flyer as I slid it back into the frame. ” I’m just setting the Universe  back to writes.”

Dracula Goes To Church

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DAILY PROMPT

Worlds Colliding

Take two main characters from two different books (either fiction or nonfiction) and introduce them to, or have them meet, each other. What would happen next?

abandoned libraryThe  cat came from nowhere.  It  followed him up from the spider webbed choked crypt ( how long had he been asleep this time?) and out to to the cemetery which was in ruins now.

Headstones were broken, some were covered with weeds the Funeral Home on the hill  was a skeleton now- the windows were boarded up and the front door was missing.

” Well there went the neighborhood ” the man said in a heavily accented voice. ” I thought this was going to be a good one. Real estate, you just never know what it’s going to do.”

The cat looked up at and its eyes flared yellow at him.

The man hated cats and here he was, talking to one.

A stupid rat catcher.

” I am the Count. Count Dracula. Death stands in awe of what I did when I was human, and it is stunned at what I’ve done since I died.”

The cat yawned.

” Yes. well I am standing here talking to a cat. Pity. It’s true . Even the mightiest fall, ” he motioned around them and looked down pointedly at the cat. ” Eventually.”

The cat lifted it’s paw up and began to clean it.

“So tell me, what have you done,  Cat?”

The cat, it’s voice  heavy with dirt from the crypt answered in an all to human voice,  ” I came back from the dead and drove my  most of family to their grave. And I got away with it.”

Dracula heard a cough. One that doesn’t come from the chest but rather is intended to get one’s attention.

The Count straightened up turned around and a man with glasses and a wooden stake in his hand slammed the expertly sharpened  stick into the Count’s chest.

” Well Church. It looks like you eat tonight Buddy.”

Count Dracula, slayer of worlds, seducer of woman and hater of cats plopped unceremoniously to the ground.

Church circled around the writer’s legs and Stephen leaned down and pat his misshapen  skull. ” After that great story you told me about your family, I can’t thank you enough. It was one long scream fest.  Let me me know if there’s anything else you need. I owe you Pal”

Church meowed, though it actually sounded like a laugh.

And then he began to eat.

church

No. Mom. You Told That One?

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DAILY PROMPT

Retrospectively Funny

Tell us about a situation that was not funny at all while it was happening, but that you now laugh about whenever you remember it.

scarybook

When my sons were little- they were were around eight and nine years old- they were into the toys and fads of the times.

Nintendo.

At least that’s all I remember them being into.

But when they branched out they managed to do it with my stuff or our family cat.

One Summer my youngest son wrapped our cat up in a baby blanket and was carrying him around the apartment complex and telling people this was his baby brother ” Joe “.

When Julio got tired of playing with ” Joe ” he leaned down and let him run off into the bushes. A few minutes later I get a call from a neighbor who is hysterical because she said she just saw my son throw  a baby under the bushes.

facepalm-Godzilla

But by far the most entertaining moment that wasn’t funny at the time was

THE TIME MY SONS READ A BOOK THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE

I love horror novels, and when my sons were little the biggest reason I didn’t want them pulling those books off my shelf was that some were 1st Edition hardcovers.

But of course they eventually did and what I learned later was that my middle son was reading one of them out loud to my youngest son when they went to bed at night.

They were apparently reading the Exorcist.

They were nine and eight at the time.

hmmm-ok-hi

One night me and Luis left our   boys with a sitter and went to the movies.

When we came home and she said they went to bed on time and went to sleep right away, hadn’t made a peep all evening  and right away the alarm bells went off and I went straight down the hall to their room.

I opened open the door and the door catches on something. I reach around and look down and it’s my copy of the Exorcist .

And there  fast asleep in their sleeping bags in the middle of the floor circled by their stuffed animals are my sons.

They’re wearing their bicycle helmets and and they’ve got their Nerf swords locked in their hands and sleeping with them is our cat who looks up at me and hisses.

My brain at this point sort of overloads and I look at my book and the spine is broken and two of the pages are not quite ripped out of the book  but they’re bent.

I guess you can’t throw an open book against a wall and not have it suffer some damage, right?

Damn,  bought that book with my own money when I was only a few years older then they are now, it was one of my prized possessions ( no pun intended)

I left them like that and in the morning I go into their room and I’m going to launch into my ruined book and how it would not be ruined had they KEPT THEIR HANDS OFF OF MY STUFF.

Instead when I open my mouth what comes out is:

” Wake Up! The power of Christ Compels You!”

Once they stopped screaming and we peeled our very angry cat off of the curtains we had a chat about

NOT TOUCHING MY BOOKS.

I’ll be honest.

It was funny then, it’s funny now.

It should be noted though that I did not receive a Mother’s Day card that year.

craftyexorcist