A Few Things I’ve Learned From Death & Horror

I’ve learned some valuable things about the world from being a Mortician and writing Horror Stories.

Here are a few of them:

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Dead men do tell tales, they tell them all of the time.

You just have to be willing to listen.

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Horror Stories are like Love Stories minus the pretense.

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I hate The Lord of the Ring Movies…I’d rather watch a Twilight  ( the tween Vampire movies ) Marathon then sit the Lord Of The Ring Movies. I’d rather shove a fork in my eye. There’s no reason for that to be on this list. I just felt like putting that here.

yuck

When you’re embalming bodies you get super thirsty. So drink a lot of water before you embalm. I’m not kidding.

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When I write a story about Death, or The Devil or Cannibals I get my best ideas after watching shows like Cake Wars or Chopped because the contestants on those shows would take their Moms down for that Ten Thousand Dollar prize.

Bastards.

torso cake ( Yep. That’s a cake )

Never, ever write about the Dead if you have a funeral background. It’s unseemly.

The living are fair game.

Fair.

Game.

you

I’m sorry, but I’ve learned this to be  true:  If you’re writing a horror story and you’re not laughing  I’d say you’re not connecting with your writing. How can I say that? Come on. You’re getting away with murder or something anti-social or wicked

 Even if it’s just in your head.

It’s enough to make one positively giddy.

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I listen to Tom Waits  before I write. Sometimes ABBA. Does that surprise you?  That’s probably why I can do the same when I write.

Word.

6 thoughts on “A Few Things I’ve Learned From Death & Horror

  1. Love this! I want to see more. I hope you check out Horror Writers Workshop in Transylvania. I went this summer and met some really good writers and had a lot of fun. You’re a swell fit for this group. http://www.workshopwriters.com/
    I worked with a mortician for a while, in a restaurant where we were wait staff. I learned a lot from him, not horror, though.

    • I actually didn’t write horror when I was a mortician, I guess it was because nothing people said or did surprised me at that point.And I am going to check out that workshop group. Many thanks for the info!

  2. That’s one witty list. Usually horror stories scare me, and bones and intestines repel me(Geez, that was really a cake? Eww!), but I loved your list! Great compilation.

    One question though: How are horror stories like love stories, minus the pretense?

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