She found me at the window in the living room, a dark yellow and red fire roaring and hissing in the fireplace. Sometimes there was a pop and his and after tiny little embers fluttered up the chimney.
” It follows me wherever I go, ” I pointed to the moth fluttering against the window ” no matter how fast I ran or how many times I tried to hide in doorways and no matter how many times I hide in the attic or the closets upstairs, it keeps right on following me. ”
I was about to reach out and grab her wrist when she turned away from me but I stopped. She really hates it when I’m worked up and touch her. It makes her skin crawl she’s said.
” Why, why is it here? Why is it following me?” I was desperate, but I didn’t raise my voice. I tried to stay calm. I think I was failing.
She turned and looked at me. She licked her lips, she rubbed her eyes , she lifted her chin up and took a deep breath.
” What do you want from me What do you want me to do? ” she asked.
I pointed to the window.
” I want you to make it go away. It follows me wherever I go. It won’t leave me alone Please. Can’t you make it go away?”
Her voice was hallow she was looking right passed me to the window where the moth was banging itself against the frost bitten pane of glass. She turned back and said to me:
” You can’t be for real.” she sounded defeated, tired. You can’t be for real.”
She closed her eyes tight and said:
” I don’t believe in ghosts. I don’t. ” she said over and over again.
” I don’t believe in ghosts. ”
The moth continued to flutter against the window and I said, as I have been saying for many years, for many evenings to the many people who have lived in my house and have closed their eyes and chanted the same words as she does now , on nights like this when that moth appears at the window –
I lift my chin up and I say:
” I don’t either. “