In A Word

This Is Your Life

If you could read a book containing all that has happened and will ever happen in your life, would you? If you choose to read it, you must read it cover to cover. 

books

My life in a book?

Oh. Hell to the NO.

Wait. Wait. I have it…Not unless…. it was in comic book form- excuse me graphic novel ( eye roll)

Hey now. My life would make a great  graphic novel.

All the stupid things I’ve done, all of the drama and comedy and freaks of nature that have strolled into my life and turned it upside down and sideways and kicked it to the curb and back.

It wouldn’t make great literature but it would be the Bees Knees in pictures.

I think my author ( or would it be artist?) would be some sort of social outcast that eats their dinner at McDonald’s and breakfasts at places like AM/PM or 7-11 and for lunch they’d eat whatever was in their backpack- which was full of stuff like pens and Twinkies and bottled water.

In the comic book of my life I hope my author would take pity on me and make me taller and pretty and neglect to mention I have a bad knee and walk like a Pirate with a peg leg.

And that thing I did when I was 13. Give that one a miss. It was overrated in my life history. Plus you can’t make Super Glue and burned noodles a funny or interesting story no matter how hard you try.

Only saying because I’ve tried.

All you’ll get for repeating that story are people who will be afraid to let you near their noodles for the rest of your life.

Oh and for fun at least once a day I put up a post about the Uranus on my Facebook wall because people say they pronounce it the giggle free way, but they’re thinking exactly they way you’re probably hearing it in your head right now.

That’s how I have fun with social media.

Ok. I’ve reconsidered. Go ahead. Put my life on paper-but remember make the pictures snazzy, I hate eff words and I’m going to read the ending first.

If I like it I’ll pass it around.

If I don’t, who cares? Nobody believes what they read anymore unless it involves Aliens From Outer space. That poor little book would just die a lonely painful death,

So make it good, make it funny and to my author, just a word of advice. You might want to consider a UFO or two.

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Ho Ho… Oh NO …. Anita NO!

:::Holidailies Prompt:::

The best homemade holiday gifts to give or get

When I was a kid, I used to ask for the usual stuff- a bike, dolls, games, crayons. I loved crayons. Unfortunately I used to love to go into my closet and draw on the walls so I hardly ever got them.

So crayons were like the Holy Grail of Christmas gifts to me.

On the occasional Christmas morning there they’d be- they came in these little buckets and there’d be a hundred different colors.

I’d pop the lid off and breathe in that waxy crayon smell and set them down right next to me in a place of honor as I opened my other gifts.

” She can’t draw” various members of my family would say when they saw that bucket of crayons.

Now in defense of my family- I couldn’t draw. I sucked on epic levels at drawing. I could almost manage color books- but I always colored outside of the lines and the colors I chose never worked together so the pictures would look like a disjointed mess.

My Mom would be giving me the hairy eyeball. We had this deal. Santa would bring me crayons if I didn’t go into the closets and draw on the walls.

I thought I kept that promise for weeks- my Mom insists it was more like hours.

Anyway,  it was my Aunt who pointed out that it was sort of funny the way I’d take my crayons, go into the closet and draw on the walls in the dark.

Before the air ran out.

” That’s dedication to art.” my Aunt said.

I guess that’s one way to look at it.

crayon

I think I was around eight when I asked for my first homemade gift.

I asked for a Shrunken Head kit.

 I had heard loads of stories from my family about Head Hunters in the South Pacific- in fact to this day I find it interesting how vast their knowledge of Headhunting and cannibalism was.

All I know is that to this day the knowledge turned out to be solid and I’ve used it in my writing.

Yeah. I know. Weird.

So at this point it shouldn’t surprise you I got Vincent Price Shrunken Head kit from my parents- as you can see on the box, it was sold as a craft for the whole family.

I loved Vincent Price and his movies- my entire family did right along with Liberace, Elvis, Wayne Newton and Little Richard.

My  parents thought they’d scored big time with this gift.

vpshrunkenhead

” Oh” I said in genuine surprise. ” You make them from apples.”

My Dad leaned down and said right into my face.

 ” That’s right Anita- YOU make them from apples.”

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One Christmas Eve I learned about Krampus from my Grandpa Bert.

He told me Krampus was this Devilish creature with horns and cat’s eyes. He had pointy teeth and carried around chains, sticks and he visited bad kids at Christmas.

When he was done, all I could manage when I could speak was:

” Oh Boy! I’m going to meet Krampus!” I cried out in sheer joy.

My Grandpa Bert laughed and laughed and my Dad ignored him for the rest of the evening.

I stayed up for hours waiting for Krampus.

When I woke up I had a new bike, the mumps and it was snowing.

After that, I wrote letters to Krampus for Christmas.

And he never let me down.

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Homemade gifts for Christmas are great.

My family  gave me a wonderful homemade gifts every year. They just didn’t realize it at the time.

They gave me wonderful stories to tell.

I can’t thank them enough for that.

I love them all.

amm